I’m salty. And you know what? I might regret all using this salt to write this because my wound is still fresh. I probably shouldn’t even be writing this, knowing full well you’ll probably read it. Or am I doing it because I know you will? Whatever.
I feel stupid. Not just because I spent money on you and I was broke as fuck at the time. That Moleskine notebook, train ticket to Jersey, or dinner in Williamsburg was worth nothing compared to the energy I put into trying to make things work out.
I feel stupid because of the word you used on me so many times: Consistency.
You wanted to be different from everyone else. You said that you’re tired of dating around and hated what kind of person that made you. I told you those things would take time, but you pushed me to be more open and vulnerable with you because in your own words “I don’t want to be someone just passing by.” Even though I was uncomfortable with it at first, I tried for you.
I let you inside of my home, inside of my head, inside of me. Guess it was because I didn’t want you to be someone just passing by either.
You already know how it is with me – all or nothing. I remember you using those words on me too.
Things were really great in the beginning. It’s like we couldn’t get enough of each other. All the guys I’ve dated were emotionally unavailable so being with someone like you was brand new to me. I loved it.
When I shared so many of my favorite things with you, it was because I wanted to. It felt right. I always joked around that it was going to fuck me over later when things ended, but I obviously didn’t mean it. Sharing things you love with someone you care about is a pretty amazing feeling, no matter how things end up.
But then we fucked and things changed.
And then you flaked on me on my birthday.
The fucking embarrassment I felt on that day was unparalleled. I had friends and family asking all week for what I had planned, and I didn’t spend it with them because I had already made plans with you. Instead, I spent it crying in my best friend’s bed until 4am while she slept. I’m grateful for my other friend who comforted me all night, making sure I knew you ain’t shit.
But did I end things with you right then and there? Of course not. Because I’d rather give 489374 chances and blame myself for things that aren’t my fault.
We spoke on the phone that day and you said that you didn’t want me to have bad memories just in case we didn’t work out. I was understanding because a birthday is a big commitment to a lot of people, and we had just started dating. I asked you if you just lost interest and just didn’t want to ruin my birthday by telling me. But no, that wasn’t it. You said if I was worried that you were going to ghost me, that you weren’t. You said you just wanted to move slower.
I was understanding of that too.
We went from talking everyday, to talking sometimes. Only when you had free time because you were busy with work. Because obviously I don’t also work. Or go to school. Or run my sorority. I guess you were the only one who was busy.
We saw each other another time, but nothing changed. You acted like you could have been doing better things. Like you did me a favor by even showing up. That hurt too.
I didn’t end things there either. I called you later that week and explained that I understood you couldn’t be as attentive because of your hours and demanding job. It wasn’t the fact that we couldn’t talk as much as we did when you were on vacation, it was the fact that you said you wanted to move slower – but we stopped moving forward completely. I kept being honest with you because I thought that was at least one thing we had agreed on.
You ignored everything I said and said you’ll put in more effort to talk to me more. You did for a total of one day and even then, I was happy.
Finally I cut my shit and decided I couldn’t deal it with anymore.
It could have been the fact that you said you were too busy at work to like my Instagram photos, but you would like every single one of this other girl’s selfies right after she posted them. Or maybe it was because you almost flaked on me the second time because you were too tired to hang out, when all of our previous dates were the day after you had work. Maybe it was because even when you were in Brooklyn, you wouldn’t make time to see me, but I offered to make the trip out to Jersey anytime just so I could see you and you rejected that too.
I can’t lie and say that I don’t miss you or wish that things didn’t work out. The way I spoke about you to my friends, trust me, everyone was rooting for you. But you know about my past and I’m not down to relive it. As patient, forgiving, and tolerant I am about most things – I can’t be unsure of where I stand with someone again. If I wanted that, I would still be with the last guy and I’m not… and I was fucking in love with him.
You asked me what I wanted in the beginning and I sugar coated it because I didn’t want to scare you away. I said I just wanted someone who cares about me in the same way I care about them and I want it to be real this time. The full answer is I want someone who isn’t afraid to commit or at least put in the effort to even try, because I am more than enough.
Even so, I wish you the best. I hope you find whatever you were looking for.